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Limerick Contest 2000 Entries
The Titus Limerick Contest was held between mid-August and the end of September, closing on September 30, 2000. The contest was open to members of the SHAKSPER-L listserve, their family, friends and students. We are currently working on several more contest ideas, which will be advertised on this website and will be open to all.
And now....the moment you have all been waiting for.....
The Titus Limerick Contest Winners!!!!
(the crowd goes wild)
All of the limericks we received are listed below.
Click Here to see the full list
You will note a preponderance of Lavinia limericks.
This is purely a coincidence.
Honest.
Our Grand Prize Winner:
(A Titus Poster and a $20 Poor Yorick gift certificate)
(drumroll)
Janet MacLellan!!!!!!
The ravished Lavinia lies bleeding.
Some timely first aid she is needing,
But Marcus, no nurse,
Instead wraps her in verse.
Too much Ovid, it seems, he's been reading.
First Runner-Up, and a close second....
(All runners up will receive a Titus poster, and our great admiration for generations to come)
Beth Bradburn!!!!
We mistakenly trusted that Titus
Intended to feed us not fight us.
But he fought us with food;
Chiron tasted good stewed,
But Demetrius gave us colitis.
Second Runner Up is: Markus Marti
Markus earns additional points for sending us not one, but two limericks in "the original latin" along with translations. Nevertheless, the following two remain our favorites:
I.
Poor Lavinia, unable to speak
Without tongue could nothing but creak.
Without any hand
She wrote in the sand
But noone know Latin or Greek.
II.
O, she loved her new husband, for sure,
Though his sexual performance was poor.
But to quench her demand
She had Titus' hand
And her other amour was a moor.
(Apologies to the sensitive set. Noah picked this one. Not me.)
Third Runner Up: Peter McCluskey
Old Titus was overly candid
When his daughter he reprimanded:
"Out late and so young?
What? Cat got your tongue?
Explain why I've caught you short-handed!"
Fourth Runner Up: Roger Gross
He didn't compose it to spite us.
Will thought all the gore would excite us.
He did go too far though.
He had to top Marlowe
And Kidd, so he stuck us with Titus.
Since there were altogether too many good entries, we begged and pleaded with our supplier and managed to finagle two more posters. So without much further ado, we present two more Runners Up.
Fifth Runner Up: Douglas Lanier
Titus Andronicus in five lines:
Doughty Titus comes home from the war,
Kills Alarbus to even the score,
Rape and murder ensue,
Plus a maiming or two,
And the banquet's got corpses galore.
Sixth Runner Up: Mike Jensen
There was a mean queen named Tamora
Whose husband really adored her
She had two nasty sons
Who were baked into buns
That to Lefty, the chef, were ambrosia.
Once again, we would like to thank everyone who participated, and everyone else for putting up with our silly posts on the matter.
The Titus Limerick Contest Entries:
Please note the numbers listed below are arbitrary, placed only to help us in the voting process. The order does not reflect any preference.
1.
A clown with two pigeons did Titus send,
Saying to him: 'On the King attend!'
The King said: 'Hang the slave!'
This lament the clown gave:
'I have brought up a neck to a fair end.'
-Pervez Rizvi
2.
Philomel wove her rape in a rug,
Lucrece stabbed herself in the dug;
Lavinia, when violated,
Got her raptors pie-olated...
Too bad about dad's fatal hug.
-Janet McLellan
3.
Old Titus got angry that day
Cause Tamora had got in the way.
So he hacked and he hewed
And he stuttered and stewed
And he died. Bloody shame. Bloody play.
-Tad Davis
4.
"Don't think I am being ironicus,
I'm proud to be an Andronicus
One hand have I lost,
Which makes me quite crossed,
But I still have two feet and my (ding-)donicus."
- Markus Marti
5.
"A play should instruct and delight us,
Not disgust, horrify, or fright us,"
Sir Philip once said;
'Tis pity he's dead--
'Cause we won't know if he liked "Titus."
-Peter McCluskey
6.
The army was thoroughly plastered.
The villain was really a bastard.
The girl would have sung
But they lopped off her tongue
And that was the last that the cast heard.
-Roger Gross
7.
Do you think Julie should be indicted?
Do you feel that her film was benighted?
Was it too hip by half?
Did you puke? Did you laugh?
Well recall it was not copyrighted.
-Roger Gross
8.
He didn't compose it to spite us.
Will thought all the gore would excite us.
He did go to far though.
He had to top Marlowe
And Kidd, so he stuck us with Titus.
-Roger Gross
9.
I'm glad Will decided to write us
An absolute villain to fright us.
The Moor was sublime
But "Aaron" won't rhyme
So I had to write this about Titus.
-Roger Gross
10.
That it's gore, there is no contradiction
Flesh and bones become pie through harsh friction
"It's not Shakespeare," some say,
"But a Lecter fillet,"
Yet it's true Early Modern "Pulp Fiction."
-Tim Leonard
11.
Julie Taymor, that fine director,
Called Anthony Hopkins to lunch with her.
'We're filming Titus.
'I hope you'll join us.
'Or will you still play Hannibal Lecter?'
-Pervez Rizvi
12.
Demetrius and Chiron went too far
When Lavinia's young life they did mar.
Having done with her,
They said: 'What's for dinner?'
Titus cut their throats and said: 'You are!'
-Pervez Rizvi
13.
Aaron said to Tamora: 'Soft, a word.
'What was that dreadful cry I heard?
'I pray you, explain.
'Are you in some pain?'
'Yes, I am giving birth to your bastard!'
-Pervez Rizvi
14.
A maiden of Rome refused grandly
a gentleman's plea as too randy.
But later that word
she regretted he'd heard,
because she said, "Sir, please unhand me."
-Don Bloom
15.
His name was Titus Andronicus
He killed everyone for the fun I guess.
Ate the Queen’s sons for dinner
In a pot they did simmer,
A tender treat he served up for his dinner guests.
-Annette M. Roper
16.
Titus said their evening was a bore.
'Arm-wrestling will make us mope no more,'
Lavinia first thought.
But she had forgot:
They only had one hand out of four.
-Pervez Rizvi
17.
There was a man called Aaron the Moor
Who performed evil deeds by the score.
His being of no worth,
They set him in the earth
And then covered him with sand all o'er.
-Pervez Rizvi
18.
Titus came to speak to Lavinia
This is what he saw when he got near:
Her tongue was not there,
Gloves she could not wear.
So he drew his knife and straight killed her.
-Pervez Rizvi
19.
In *Titus* many may die
Including an ill-favored fly,
But the play's biggest punch
Comes when Tamora's lunch
Includes her two sons in a pie.
-Alan Dessen
20.
Most brave and victorious Andronicus,
Whose wisdom can often astonish us:
Why'd you offer your hand
To that vile Moorish man
Whose dagger so swift fell upon it, thus?!?
-Douglas Lanier
21.
Titus Andronicus in five lines
Doughty Titus comes home from the war,
Kills Alarbus to even the score,
Rape and murder ensue,
Plus a maiming or two,
And the banquet's got corpses galore.
-Douglas Lanier
22.
Said the candidate: "I do abhor
This new film by director Taymor.
It's so bloody and vile!"
She replied with a smile,
"But I'm just a supporter of Gore."
-Douglas Lanier
23.
'The Queen of Goths', Titus was heard to say,
'Does she always walk in a funny way?'
'Yes!', said all who saw her,
'Tamora and Tamora and Tamora
'Creeps in this petty pace from day to day.'
-Pervez Rizvi
24.
Most of Titus's sons are now dead;
Then his daughter is due to be wed,
But plans go astray
(A bloodthirsty play!),
'Til the Empress at last is well-fed
-Ray Lischner
25.
There once was a general named Titus
Who got into a play just to spite us.
A stage red with gore
Left the audience sure
That Titus had made his quietus.
-Carol Barton
26.
Old Titus was overly candid
When his daughter he reprimanded:
"Out late and so young?
What? Cat got your tongue?
Explain why I've caught you short-handed!"
-Peter M. McCluskey
27.
Shakespeareans are wont to discuss
Murder in _Titus Andronicus_:
Which are aesthetic,
Which are pathetic,
And which one is the ironicest?
-Peter M. McCluskey
28.
Our Mom’s enemy was named Titus.
We thought he can’t possibly fight us!
Step-dad, Saturnine’,
Came to his house to dine,
But Titus made Mom and Dad did bite us.
-Richard Nathan
29.
There once was a queen called Tamora
her story's of blood and of gore-a
she ate her own sons
with pastry and buns
and she died right there on the floor-a
-Melissa Cook
30.
The story of Titus is yucky
he wasn't what you would call lucky
had twenty five sons
and lost all but one
his future, it looked rather mucky.
-Melissa Cook
31.
There was a soldier, Andronicus
he fought in the wars and lived on-icus
his daughter was raped
death she escaped
but both her arms were all gone-icus
-Melissa Cook
32.
O, she loved her new husband, for sure,
Though his sexual performance was poor.
(So she took, to quench her demands,
Poor Lavinia's tongue and her hands.)
For straight sex she chose,
As everyone knows,
Her moor as her paramour.
('Cause she liked to glance at his glans.)
- Markus Marti
33.
Don't think I am being ironicus,
I'm proud to be an Andronicus
One hand have I lost,
Which makes me quite crossed,
But I still have two feet and my donicus.
-Markus Marti
Two graffiti from Pompeii, in Latin, and their translations:
34.
(Andronicus gastronomicus)
EST QVIDAM VIR GASTRONOMICVS
NOMINE TITVS ANDRONICVS
HUIUS CIBI SVNT, EI,
QVASI CONSANGVINEI
IVNIPERAE BIBUNTUR ET TONICUS.
There once was a vir gastronomicus
Whose name was Titus Andronicus
His pies were a thriller,
They tasted familiar,
Together with Gin and some tonicus.
-Markus Marti
35.
ALIQVI CVM TITO ANDRONICO
IVNIPERI BIBVNT CVM TONICO
AT COMITANTE
SVO ARTOCREANTE
DEMETRINIOQVECHIRONICO
At a party with Titus Andronicus
People drink Gin and some tonicus
And the best food he thinks
To go with the drinks
Is his pie named Demetriochironicus.
-Markus Marti
36.
There was a mean queen named Tamora
Whose husband really adored her
She had two nasty sons
Who were baked into buns
That to Lefty, the chef, were ambrosia.
-Mike Jensen
37.
A Roman, one Titus by name
fought Goths, killing plenty for fame
When nasty Tamora
said "Boy, I'll destroy ya"
He fed her a real Chiron Game.
-Billy Houck
38.
There was a young man named Andronicus
Whose viz looked like Mr. Sardonicus
So he painted it blue
And added some goo
And played ribcage a la harmonicus
-Karen Blank
39.
The ravished Lavinia lies bleeding.
Some timely first aid she is needing,
But Marcus, no nurse,
Instead wraps her in verse.
Too much Ovid, it seems, he's been reading.
-Janet MacLellan
40.
A barbarian queen named Tamora
Had a tryst with bold Aaron, the Moor-a;
Her two sons raped and chopped,
Tongues and hands off they lopped,
Till mad Titus cooked up a new horra.
-Kevin Donovan
41.
Old Titus had 25 sons
Lost most of them almost at once
In a long-lasting war.
Came back with just four,
Then killed one, then lost two, the dunce.
-Markus Marti
42.
Poor Lavinia, unable to speak
Without tongue could nothing but creak.
Without any hand
She wrote in the sand
But noone knew Latin or Greek.
-Markus Marti
43.
"Some find me anatomically comical"
Says Titus in this old chronicle.
He sounds a bit crossed:
"My hand have I lost,
But I'm proud to be an Andronicle!"
-Markus Marti
44.
O, she loved her new husband, for sure,
Though his sexual performance was poor.
But to quench her demand
She had Titus's hand
And her other amour was a moor.
-Markus Marti
45.
As a general he's an expert in slaughter
Yet his eyes cannot hold back their water.
He sits on a bench
Swears bloody revenge
For his hand, and his (24) sons, and his daughter.
-Markus Marti
46.
As a way of saying goodbye,
Before he was going to die,
Titus collected
The ones he suspected
And baked them into a pie.
-Markus Marti
47.
Titus was the chief of the Andronici
He chided his brother for killing a mere fly
But when Tamora's sons raped his daughter
(Which was not something that they oughta)
He cut them up and baked them in a pie.
-Pervez Rizvi
48.
A pair of lusty young Teutons,
Deprived of their usual Hootin's,
Would revel in blood
And could not be "good"
Until they were served up as muttons.
-Larry Weiss
49.
The great Roman Clan of Andronici,
Had a leader who was thought to be wise.
His daughter was played for a whore,
Then Titus could take it no more,
So he baked them all into pies.
-Nicole Imbracsio
50.
There once was a director named Taymore,
Who thought she might try to get paid more.
Directing the Bard
Turns out to be hard.
She once worked for Disney-- need I say more??
-Nicole Imbracsio
51.
We mistakenly trusted that Titus
Intended to feed us not fight us.
But he fought us with food;
Chiron tasted good stewed,
But Demetrius gave us colitis.
-Beth Bradburn
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